


Would You Be So Kind As To Reach Into My Enlarged Anus For Some Loose Change I Really Want A Pack Of Gum

by Skrellogs



Category: Gravity Falls, SpongeBob SquarePants (Cartoon)
Genre: Anus Pounding, Buttsex, Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Daddy Kink, Food Kink, Food Sex, Gay Sex, Going to Hell, Hell, M/M, Masturbation, Money kink, Nipple Play, Sex with Sentient Animals, Threesome With Satan, best of both worlds, krabby patty grease as lube
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-10-12
Updated: 2017-07-28
Packaged: 2018-08-22 00:01:20
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 3,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8265245
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Skrellogs/pseuds/Skrellogs
Summary: Mr. Krabs and Grunkle Stan meat each other by mysterious means and must find a way back to their own homes, but end up finding homes in each other along the way.





	1. Lubing Up

**Author's Note:**

> This is only the first chapter. Our two protagonists won't end up meeting each other until chapter 2 and they probably won't meat until chapter 3 or 4. Be sure to keep updated!

On a fine day under the sea, Mr. Eugene Krabs was counting his money at his office desk as always. He loved the smell that wafted towards him after each dollar flipped forwards. Having all that cash was euphoric in a way. You might even say it was...arousing. “Ahh...I’ll tell ya, there ain’t nothin’ better than relaxin’ with yer life savings,” said Krabs with an erect crustacean cock.

“Er…” Squidward stared awkwardly as his boss began to pleasure himself by wiping his ass with a nice crisp Benjamin. “As much as I love seeing you have your 2:00 meeting, I’d like to know whether or not I’m getting my raise.”

Krabs stopped and looked up at his cashier. “Sorry, Mr. Squidward. I, uh...I’m afraid I can’t afford to be handin’ out more money to either of ye.”

 _“Can’t afford to-?!?!”_ Squidward angrily yelled at his boss, “Mr. Krabs, you’re literally ejaculating into a $500 bill!”

“I don’t know what yer talkin’ about,” said Mr. Krabs as he scooped up the last of his gross crab semen into a $500 bill.

“You’re one of the richest bastards in Bikini Bottom, and you own the most popular and successful fast food chains under the sea! Yet your restaurant still has a giant hole in the ceiling because you hoard your money and refuse to spend it!”  

“That’s not a hole!” Mr. Krabs tried to defend himself. “”That’s the, uh, s-sunroof I had installed!”

“Spongebob’s pet snail is in desperate need of expensive surgery that his insurance doesn’t cover. It’ll cost him about $10,000. You pay him a nickel an hour. _That’s not even close to minimum wage, Mr. Krabs!!!”_

“It’s not like that snail has long to live anyways! He’s already 17 years old!” Mr. Krabs angrily replied, “Look, this is my restaurant. Yer the one that chose to work here because no other place in this town will hire yer unpleasant ass and unsightly big nose. So ye can either take yer paychecks or start workin’ fer free!”

“...Whatever, I give up.” The squid started to head towards the door. “I’m going back to my job so I can afford the bleach I’ll use to kill myself.”

“Wait! Squidward!” Krabs cried out to his employee, “Be sure to let Spongebob know I want to talk to him next!” Once his door was closed, the shameless crab went back to circlejerking himself.

-MEANWHILE-

On the same fine day in Gravity Falls, Oregon, Mr. Stan Pines was counting his money at his office desk. “Ha ha ha!” he laughed heartily, “Another job well done. Gotta admit, I really outdid myself this time with that exhibit. I dunno who that ‘Hair Lamby’ gorilla was, but stuffing his corpse and displaying it sure brought in a whole crowd of teenagers!” He removed his button-up shirt to caress his crusted nipples with a pair of dollar coins.

Soos, who had been watching in silence the whole time, waited for Stan’s orgasm to subside. “Heya, Mr. Pines! Um, I was wondering if we could-”

“AAUGHH!” shouted Stan in surprise and began dressing himself again, “Soos?!?! How long have you been standing there???”

“You let me in about ten minutes ago. I started talking and you kinda...went on to something else.”

Stan’s eyes widened in realization. He now remembered opening his office door and seeing Soos’ chubby, badger face, and he mentally slapped himself for letting his mind wander to such perverted activities. “...Yyyyes. Well, uh….uuhhmmm. Yeah. So whaddya need anyways?”

Soos smiled. He breathed in and out through his nose and said, “Well, Mr. Pines, I was wondering... _could I maybe get a raise?”_ He got the last bit out a bit quickly and flinched as he waited for his boss to respond.

“A raise?” Stan raised his voice a bit. “What do you need a raise for?? You live with your grandma. Besides, I pay you plenty.”

“I-I know, but…” Soos stammered nervously and tugged at his hat rim, “Well...it’s just that Christmas is coming up, and there’s this new game coming out soon. It doesn’t have to be a _huge_ raise, I mean...I could do more work if that’d be ok.”

Stan stared at his repairman for a while and sighed. He stood up out of his office chair and walked around his desk, looking into Soos’ eyes and placing a big sweaty hand on his pudgy shoulder. “Look, Soos. You know you’re like a son to me, don’t you?”

Soos’ eyes lit up. “I...I am???”

“Of course you are, Soos. That’s why I can’t give you a raise, you see. I don’t have any more work that needs to be done, and if I give you more money for doing the same amount of work, then I’m not teaching you responsibility. That would mean I would be failing as a father, right?”

“W-well… I guess you’re right.”

“There ya go, Soos! Already becomin’ a man, I see! Now, off you go! I need some private time!” Stan rushed out as he pushed Soos out the door.

“Oka-” Soos was cut off by Stan slamming the door and locking it.

Stan let out a deep sigh and went back to his desk. “Finally, some alone time. Being boss sure is stressful on this old body. Time to give it the attention it deserves…” He wiggled his trousers off and began handling his dick with one of those cardboard tubes you keep loose change in. He slid it up and down on his shafty cock and singed off his nipple hairs with sand paper. He kept at it for several minutes, moaning and gasping the whole time until his eventual orgasm showered his office in cock juice. 

At this moment, somewhere in the woods of Gravity Falls and the depths of Bikini Bottom, two wormholes were forming, pitch-black and bursting with magic energy. It’s as if these two were meant to be brought together by the will of the Universe itself.


	2. Foreplay

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Strange black portals bring Stan and Mr. Krabs to a strange location. Will they ever make it out alive? Will they have enough lube to moisten their anuses?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> our heroes meet at last ! but will they meat???3

“Grunkle Stan! _Grunkle Staaaan!!!”_ A young Dipper Pines was rushing out of the woods and quickly making his way to the entrance of the Mystery Shack. He swung open the door and checked inside the gift shop for his uncle, but only found Wendy texting at the cash register. “Wendy, have you seen Grunkle Stan?!”

“Hey, Dip,” greeted Wendy without looking up from her smart phone, “Yeah, he left maybe 10 minutes ago to give a tour of a new exhibit of his. He should be around here somewhere. I’d check outside if I were you.”

Dipper let out a sigh and turned to leave. “Thanks, Wendy!” He ran back out the front door, skipped down the porch steps, and ran around to the back of the old shack. As he got closer to his Grunkle, he could hear his gruff voice over the excited chatter of the naive and gullible crowd of customers. He finally found him presenting his new fake exhibit to everyone.

Grunkle Stan stood in front of a large object covered by an unkempt bedsheet littered with stains and poorly-sewn patches. “Ladies and gentleman, today I urge you to hold onto something, because this exhibit is gonna _blow_ you away!” He grabbed the edge of the cover and pulled it off, revealing what was obviously a giant fan painted red with cardboard teeth taped along the front and googly eyes glued to the top. Despite how fake it looked, the crowd seemed to be impressed and gasped in amusement. “Behold! The, uh...Giant Wind Monster...Thing! I found this while exploring the dangerous caverns of underground Gravity Falls!”

Dipper shook his head. “He’s running out of ideas,” he sighed.

“Legend says that his mighty roars can produce high-powered winds strong enough destroy the tallest and mightiest of mountains! Luckily for all of you lovely patrons, I believe that I’ve tamed the creature so that he wouldn’t possibly harm-” Grunkle Stan then backed up up until he could flip the switch on the side of the fan without anyone noticing. He glanced up at the roof and nodded at Soos, who was standing there holding a giant megaphone. “Oh, no! He’s about to roar!!! _Run for your lives!!!”_

Soos then began to yell and growl into the megaphone, producing loud and disturbing monster calls that scared everyone enough to begin running away. The terrified tourists tripped and climbed over each other while trying to get away in time. Some dropped their wallets in order to escape, and none turned back to retrieve them.

Grunkle Stan gave a hearty laugh and began collecting the lost items. “Ahaha! What a bunch of suckers! That’s the most fun I’ve had all year. Good job up there, Soos!”

“Thank you, Mr. Pines!” Soos yelled back to his boss while attempting to climb down from the roof. His foot slipped, and he ended up tumbling down and landing in a bush.

With the crowd gone and Grunkle Stan free for now, Dipper knew this was the perfect time to get his attention. He ran up to him and tugged on his pant leg. “Grunkle Stan!”

“Huh?” Stanley took his eyes off of his earnings and glared down at his nephew. “What’s up, kid? You’re even sweatier and more worked-up than normal.”

“Oh my gosh, Grunkle Stan!!! You’ll never believe this! I-I-I was in the woods with Mabel, a-and we,” he began to pace back and forth, pulling his hair and stammering, “we saw this _big black thing!_ But it was flat and round! _Noises_ came from it like someone was in it, and _it started talking to Mabel, and she went to it!!! And a big hand came out a-a-and-”_

“Whoa whoa whoa!” Grunkle Stan bent down and looked at Dipper. “Calm down, kid. What are you talking about? Where’s your sister?”

“She-she’s still in the woods! With that weird portal thing!” Dipper grabbed his uncle’s hand and started pulling him into the forest. _“Come on, we gotta hurry! It might go away soon!!!”_

The both of them soon made it to the strange portal. “There it is, Grunkle Stan! I told you!” Dipper pointed to the entity, where Mabel was giving the strange demonic hand a manicure. “And you thought I was lying!”

“Hi Grunkle Stan~!” Mabel yelled to her great uncle while painting the hand’s nails. “Look, Dipper! I made a new friend! I thought he was scary at first, but he’s actually a sweet guy with the same taste in boy bands as me!”

Grunkle Stan walked up to the portal and rubbed his chin. “Holy Moses! I’ve lived here for decades, and I’ve never seen anything like this…” He got up closer to it and got an idea. “I know! I’ll bring people down here for tours! I can see it now: ‘Interact with the being from another dimension! $5 for a handshake, $10 for a demonic handjob!’”

As he was distracted in his train of thought, however, the demonic arm grabbed Stan’s shirt collar and began pulling him into the portal. “Wha-Hey! What the hell is this?! _AUUGGHH!!!”_

Dipper and Mabel could only watch as their uncle was pulled into the portal. _“Grunkle Stan!!!!!!”_ they cried out in horror as the portal closed. Only their uncle’s fez was left behind.

-LATER, IN THE PORTAL-

Stanley woke up in a dark, empty room. His head was pounding, his throat was dry, and his vision was blurry. “Ugh...god, what the…?” He sat up and looked around him. He couldn’t recognize the place at all. It was nearly pitch-black and incredibly hot and dry. “...Where the hell am I?”

He managed to get to his feet but had a limp due to a bruised knee. He walked around a bit until he tripped over a large mass on the ground. “Ow! Dammit, what the-???” He looked down and saw that it was a...big red oval with purple pants? “What the hell?! Who are you???”

The red thing grumbled and woke up, looking up at Stan with his tired eyes. “What’s the big idea wakin’ me up like that? Who are ye anyways?”Mr. Krabs, who Stan thought resembled a large crab, jumped up and leaned into his face and growled, “Are ye the one responsible fer bringin’ me here?!”

“Wha-” Grunkle Stan was taken aback by this creature and his assumptions about him. “Of course not! I was brought here too!”

Mr. Krabs got out of Stan’s face and grumbled, “Well, _some_ barnacle head is responsible fer kidnappin’ us, and I don’t see anyone here. This room is emptier than a sunken pirate ship…”

Stanley looked around for an exit, but saw no such thing. “Doesn’t look like there’s a way out. This room’s closed off.”

“That’s impossible!” the crab yelled, “If there’s no way out, how’d we get put in here anyways?!”

“Calm down! There’s probably a hidden exit somewhere. Just keep an eye out for anything weird or out of place,” he said as he began knocking on the warm, rocky wall. Eugene Krabs checked the walls as well.

Eventually, Mr. Krabs knocked on one piece of wall that was hollow. “Hey, I may have found it!”

Stan rushed over to the spot and knocked on it as well. “Yeah...this part feels hollow. This has to be the way out.”

“Okay, so we’re one step closer ta gettin’ back home...but how are we supposed ta get past this rock wall?”

“Heh,” chuckled Stanley, “just leave that part to me.” Grunkle Stan pulled out a pair of brass knuckles from his pocket and slipped them onto his fists. “I’d stand back if I were you.” He got into position, drew back his fist, and began punching into the rock. The wall began to crumble away flawlessly, and the exit was revealed. Stanley sighed and wiped the sweat from his brow. His hair was damp and glistening, and his chest puffed out with each gravelly pant. Mr. Krabs felt himself become aroused at the sight of the old man.

“Alright, let’s get the hell out of here and find out who’s responsible for this.” Stan put his brass knuckles away and exited the room with Mr. Krabs. They entered a long corridor with a bright, red light at the end of it. Stan let out a quick sigh. “Phew! It’s even hotter out here than it was in there!”

“Y-yeah, I’ll say,” blushed Mr. Krabs while trying to hide his erect crab cock from Stan’s view. They continued to walk until they reached the light, and gasped at the sight. Lava falls coming down from the ceiling, flying monkey demons dropping shit bombs into the large pools of lava below, floating rocks in the sky, and pointed stalactites coming up from the ground. Metal music and screams of anguish played from the shadows. “What in Davy Jones is this place??”

Suddenly, a giant figure flew down and landed in front of the two protagonists. His mighty weight shook the ground and almost caused Stan to fall off his feet. Fortunately, Mr. Krabs caught him from behind. “Hello. I’ve been expecting your arrival. Excellent job getting out of that room, by the way. I wasn’t sure if either of you were capable of such wit.”

Grunkle Stan looked at the demon’s hand. The nails were pink and sparkly. “Hey, you’re the bastard who pulled me through that weird portal, _aren’t you?!”_ he yelled out to the demon, “What the hell is this place???”

The demon’s cackle echoed loudly. “Oh, you poor, dense human. Have you not figured out who I am and where this is?” He brought one hand to his chest and motioned to the environment with his other. “I am Lord Satan, and this is my domain. The two of you are in Hell.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> be sure to leave a review! im always looking to improve my work !!!1 and leave a suggestion for a new story if you'd like !


	3. Bowels

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mr. Krabs and Grunkle Stan find out that they're in hell. Is it hot in here...or is it just them?

_"Hell?!"_ Grunkle Stan yelled out in surprise, _"What the hell do you mean we're in Hell???"_  Mr. Krabs and Grunkle Stan were in Hell, standing in front of Lord Satan, the ruler of Hell. They did not know why they were here, but Satan was about to tell them.

"If you shut the hell up I'll be able to tell you!!!" Lord Satan angrily shouted to Mr. Krabs and Grunkle Stan, "The reason why you are in Hell is because you have done very naughty things in your life. Mr. Krabs" he said to Mr Krabs who he was facing, "You are the cheapest fish in the whole Sea. You don't pay your employees enough, and all you care about is money. Also that time you sold your employee, Spongebob, for 62 cents. You are selfish and greedy, and you put financial gain before people. And you, Stanley Pines," he said as he looked at Grunkle Stan, "What you have done is soooooooooooooo much worse. Not only are you greedy, but you've faked heart attacks for personal gain, forced your niece and nephew to fight for material goods, neglected them of their needs and let them run off into the dangerous woods to fight with monsters, you were a prostitute during your youth, you steal and commit crimes, you stole your brother's identity after he disappeared, and so much other stuff. The two of you are disgusting criminals, and probably the worst people on Land and Sea. The Worst of Both Worlds. And now, to pay for your crimes against human and fish kind, I have banished you to Hell for all eternity!" Satan let out a deep, evil laugh that shook the ground and made rocks and stalactites fall from the ceiling. 

"But we aren't dead! How can we be in Hell?" asked Mr. Krabs.

"That doesn't matter. I pulled you through my portals. I just couldn't wait for you to die, because you two are so evil you needed to be out in Hell as soon as possible."

"Please, Satan," Grunkle Stan began to plead, "My niece and nephew will be home alone without anyone to look over them. I still have to get my brother back!"

Mr. Krabs followed suit. "Yeah, and I gotta look after me daughter Pearl! Isn't there any way for us to get back home?"

Satan thought for a minute, rubbing his chin and thinking. "Well...normally, I don't let such despicable people have a second chance at life, but I suppose I can make an exception, since I've been so bored lately. I will put the both of you to the test. You have 36 hours to show me that you are capable of loving someone else rather than money. Prove me wrong and show me that you care. If you succeed, I will set you free. If you fail, not only will you be stuck in Hell, but you'll be my slaves until the end of time."

Mr. Krabs and Grunkle Stan had been given a second chance. They looked at each other, nodded, and glared at Satan, extending their arms for a handshake. "Deal," they said. They all shook hands, and Krabs and Stan took off, trying to find a way to prove themselves worthy.

"And remember boys," Lord Satan called out as they walked away, "I am _always_ watching."

-LATER ON IN THE DEEP DEPTHS OF HELL-

Grunkle Stan and Mr. Krabs were tired after being kidnapped and brought to Hell. It's been a long day for both of them, so they took refuge in a cave to camp for the night. Luckily, the market square in Hell was nice, and they managed to find a vendor who sold sleeping bags and extra clothes. They changed into their pajamas, which was just them in their boxers and individual band tees. For some reason, they only had emo/rock band tee shirts in Hell. Grunkle Stan wore a Whitesnake shirt and Mr. Krabs had on a Rammstein shirt. In their camp, they didn't need to light a fire since it was hot as hell in Hell, so they also bought an electric fan. They each laid on their sleeping bags, looking up at the ceiling of the cave and admiring the lava veins above. "Today's been a crazy day, huh?" Grunkle Stan said to Mr. Krabs, turning his head to face him. 

"Yeah, it sure has. Didn't expect ta be scooped up n' brought to Hell when I walked into work this mornin'." Mr. Krabs returned a sad gaze. 

"Heh. Same." Grunkle Stan sighed, looking back at the glowing ceiling. "After work, I was gonna take the kids out to the lake. Let 'em swim around a bit. Looks like that won't be happening now..." His grey brows furrowed as he closed his eyes, his voice low and defeated. 

Mr. Krabs followed, his face also becoming sadder. "I was gonna take me daughter to a drive-in movie. She was complainin' that I was always busy and didn't have much time ta spend with her. Now...now she probably doesn't know where I am."

They both laid there in silence, the popping noises of fire and the screams of the damned filling the air. Grunkle Stan decided to speak in order to attempt to cheer them up and get their minds off of them being in Hell. "So, how old is she?"

"Who? Me daughter?" Mr Krabs asked.

"Yeah." Grunkle Stan said to Mr. Krabs.

Mr. Krabs smiled, thoughts of his beloved daughter distracting him from their situation. "Her name's Pearl. She turned 16 recently."

Grunkle stan laughed. "16? Yikes, a teenage daughter? I can barely handle my teenage cashier!" The two men laughed, teenaged women were hard to handle. "My niece and nephew are both 12 right now, almost 13. They live in Cali, so they come and spend summers with me. They're the first family I've had in years." Grunkle Stan's heart swelled with the memory of the children and also Soos. 

"Satan mentioned somethin' about yer brother goin' missing. What happened to him?" Grunkle Stan's face dulled, his gleeful expression disappearing. He said that he didn't want to talk about it, and Mr. Krabs respected that, so he quickly changed the subject. "So, what do you do for a living?"

"I run a tourist trap. I scam idiot tourists out of their money with shitty fake monsters." Grunkle Stan and Mr. Krabs both laughed, and Mr Krabs said " _Ar ar ar!_ Well, I run a restaurant, the most successful fast food chain in Bikini Bottom, which is the place I live."

"Oooh, fancy! I'll have to visit sometime!" said Grunkle Stan. Mr. Krabs thought it sounded nice, but Stan could never visit because Mr Krabs was a fish and lived at the bottom of the sea and Grunkle Stan was a human that lived on land and that made him sad. Then Grunkle Stan's tummy rumbled. "Shit, all this talk about food made me hungry. Haven't eaten since we got to this damned place!" They had also bought many cups of instant ramen at the market square. They dug a hole into the steaming hot ground and poured water into it, which made the H20 begin to boil. They put the noodles and the broth powder into the hole and let the noodles cook, and when they were done they scooped the noodles back into their cups and ate them. It was really good. 

**Author's Note:**

> i'm always taking requests baby girl. I'll write anything(absolutely anything ok i have no shame hmu henny) pls dont be shy


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